| |
CAREGIVER GUILT
Nancy Teten of University of South Florida Alzheimer’s Center shared
thoughts and ideas on caregiver guilt, anger and resentment at a recent
seminar.
Passing along some of her tips, and other ideas I’ve learned from the
Bob DeMarco site at
www.Alzheimersreadingroom.com:
YOU, the caregiver, are now the patient’s BRAIN. Right or wrong you
become the brain for the patient as long as they live. That doesn’t mean
you do every single thing for the patient. Let them do what they can, as
long as they can. If you take over completely, remember they cannot
relearn to do something you are now doing for them. They will be much
happier if they can continue doing some remembered tasks. Focusing on
what they can do, take over what they can no longer do. In this way you
respect their capabilities and feelings.
Your own feelings impact the person you are caring for. They can sense
when you are angry with them, especially when they hear a false
sweetness in your tone. They interpret the expression in your face and
your emotions and they mirror what you have become because that’s how
they see you. Then they become intractable and stubborn---even more
difficult to assist. Try to manage your facial expression and emotions
to avoid such behavior.
Your face can reveal any unresolved conflicts with this person that
could come back to haunt you. Or, you might remind the patient of a
person they like, or maybe don’t like. If you can discern this, take
some action to resolve it.
Take care of yourself, or you cannot take care of your loved one.
Schedule some relaxing time, let a family member or friend step in and
give you a few hours to get away. Do one thing nice for yourself every
day. You are not the only one capable of dealing with the patient. When
you are not rested and at the top of your abilities, you may become
depressed, and complicate the situation. Guilt and anger follow from the
sense that you are not “doing enough” because your mother or father
fails to respond to your loving care and get better. Always remember,
you cannot change the progression of this disease.
Appreciation and encouragement from family and friends helps far beyond
what they realize; but as time goes on, your resentment grows as they
may unconsciously abandon you. It is so easy to lose your own life, so
make an effort to stay connected. Get out and do normal things with
friends and family.
Consider another big source of guilt: your loved one says to you,
“promise me you will never put me in a nursing home.” I have heard a
client’s son or daughter tell me they made such a promise and now they
cannot care for the parent. This guilt must be resolved and reality must
be faced when twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week nursing care
becomes necessary. Some can manage such a schedule for a short time, but
for long term care it becomes a burden beyond expectation. Then the
caregiver often predeceases the patient. When the patient has long
forgotten even your name, you must look at the level of expectation you
have of yourself and modify those expectations.
Accept yourself and your limitations. Maybe you did not make the best
decisions sometime during the day....maybe you didn’t get much or any
sleep that night ....you find yourself saying “I don’t like what I’ve
become”. Find a support group, or seek professional help. Recognize that
your feelings don’t have to control your actions.
You can be angry that your loved one is in the grip of this devastating
disease. You can be resentful that you are the one in the family
expected to take care of this person. You can feel guilty because you
are angry and resentful, even though you do love the person. Just
remember this is a common experience no matter your age or relationship.
Get help before the experience changes you into someone you wouldn’t
like.
Anger and resentment can cloud your judgment when it comes to thinking
about the expensive path the patient travels. Do you want to let your
loved one’s assets erode, maybe even slip away, without making an effort
to protect their life savings? When the money is gone, the patient
becomes dependent on a government system that is in the throes of
radical change, probably not for the better. Successful planning for
this protection will build your self-esteem and temper guilt, anger and
resentment.
|
